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I can't find a single sound on my new Lumia 1020 that sounds like a proper phone ring sound, OR a traditional "beep beep" text alert. Are they in there but under some silly hipster name like "flamingo" or is the idea of a phone sounding like a phone too uncool to be a default option?

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Not sure what exactly you mean by "proper phone ring sound", but if you mean the sound an old-school rotary phone would make, then on my Lumia 920 that's (rather appropriately) called "Nostalgia", under the Nokia category.

In addition, you can always use any MP3 file as a ringtone. Just Bing/Google for something like "phone ring sound mp3". But yeah, this sort of sound is not cool enough to be the default option.

For the text alert, I think "Nokia message" is the closest you'll find without again getting a custom sound.

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    Ah, Nostalgia. Yes that's what I want. It would also be super-nice if they listed things in alphabetical order rather than seemingly at random! – Mr. Boy May 1 '14 at 8:54
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If you don't like your phone's default sounds, you can use the Zedge app to download ringtones and notifications that are more pleasing. There are thousands of sounds available through their app.

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